Tag: fear

So here I sit, in a state of oneness and noticing my ego’s loneliness.  Oneness seems lonely and horrible to it.  It is a ghastly feeling and I wanted to understand and sit in it.   It was so sad and disappointed – nauseous at the discovery that there was no one else out there…. It wished I had never pursued this concept of oneness.   Now, there was only me…and everything else was make believe…oh it was better when there had been the belief in others… it was bereft at the realization there was only a lonely one.

…. Now I would always know the real world was not real and there was no fixing this….

Then I focused again on the oneness and in that space….the fear relieved.  The mind had seen oneness as a single thing – still separate from all that is… but in the oneness…there was no separation – no desperate aloneness.   Everything was a part of oneness, you, me, sky, earth – all that is … as one…nothing was alone or separate.   It was beautiful to be the one…it was not lonely.  The concept of separation was the tripping point for the mind. 

The ego mind also did not trust the universe… well, there was a little trust, but only if everything was going nicely.   How do you trust when things are going wrong?   The mind new the pressure of making perfect decisions…trying to get everything right so things went as best as possible.  It also realized it wasn’t in control enough of all circumstances and knowledge to handle that job….so it was left with the feeling of pressure without the ability to always succeed.   This was a miserable space as well.   Its only hope was to trust the universe and it really did not trust the universe….since it did not have a guarantee of control and all things working out ok.  

Focusing again in the state of oneness… all was ok.  Trust was there as I was a part of the universe.  I was not separate from the universe, so trust was also trusting in what was the real me.   But the mind was quick to respond… but what about all the things we see happening… when people are hurt or attacked or the list goes on …about circumstances that people endure.  

I returned to focus on oneness…the answer this time was not as satisfying to the mind but still transformative for the mind.   Here the answer was to merge deeper into the trust and the oneness…. The answer was there but beyond the capacity of the mind to rationalize.   I sat in the answer… and even though the mind was not satisfied with a sentence it was transformed a bit more from the space of trust. 

The difference in the ego mind and oneness – is that oneness can function comfortably in a state of the unknown and with the presence of truth that cannot be verbalized.   The mind is not super happy with that aspect.  But I am not the mind, so I can continue to function. 

My day became more peaceful – the mind was not completely at ease – tossing up a few more what ifs based in fear of loss…It came up with a juicy one!  “What happens if you lose your attachment to yourself?!”  I stop for a moment.   It follows up…”Anything could happen to you then!”   I feel into the vastness of that possibility and the groundlessness of it.  Whoa! I smile and say… “Yes!”  The mind was not happy about that future.  Don’t worry mind, you’ll still have a function.  But you were never created to be my antagonist. It was how you were trained – how society and I helped form you from the concept of separateness.   However, you exist as a function and so we will work toward that renewed place together.